A Real Story from Kayloni

‘I love being pregnant.’ ‘I can’t wait to meet my little bundle.’ ‘I just love feeling him move and flutter around.’ ‘Being pregnant is such a beautiful blessing.’ ‘I love being a new mommy.’ ‘I could sit and snuggle him all day long.’ ‘He’s just so cute; I just can’t stop staring at him.’

Have you ever repeated these phrases while silently cringing inside? I did. For 14 months. Society teaches us that we should love everything about being pregnant and that it’s the best gift life can give us. Don’t get me wrong, I love my children and would give anything for them, but I would be lying if I said I was excited to add our youngest son, Thorin, to our family. I felt overwhelmed, scared, mad, annoyed, anxious, depressed, guilty and so many emotions that shouldn’t be associated with the feelings of a pregnant and newborn mom; beyond the typical overwhelming emotions of bringing home a new baby.

But the truth is, depression developed by a mother, either during or after pregnancy, is extremely common. As common as 3 million diagnosed cases a year in the US and the most commonly diagnosed cases are found in women between the ages of 19 and 40. The sad part of this is that there are so many cases that go undiagnosed, like mine, because mother’s are too ashamed, scared, uneducated or confused about what they are feeling and do not seek professional help or speak out to their loved ones. Let me just say, anything in this post is strictly from my story and I am in no way here to give medical advice. I am just one previously depressed mom who has a hope that sharing her story will encourage another momma to break free of the struggles and chains that come with ante partum and post partum depression.

I found out I was pregnant with our second child when our ‘oldest’, Kash, was only 5months old! We had just downsized our living situation to begin our saving journey of being responsible adults and buy a home. So let’s just say, Thorin was lovingly and a little regretfully created by a misjudgment of said two ‘responsible’ adults. I was still breastfeeding Kash, I just started a new workout program with my sister, I was just starting to feel like I was getting my body back and I had this whole ‘new mom’ thing figured out. Insert large, metaphorical u-turn.

When I was pregnant with Kash, I was so excited! I enjoyed everything about pregnancy, once we got past the 14 weeks of morning sickness, but even that couldn’t ruin it for me. I loved him from the beginning. I glowed, I boasted, I ‘searched’ for him by pushing all around my belly to find his feet and butt. I couldn’t wait to do it again. Until it was time to do it again. Looking at the bright blue, positive sign on my first pregnancy test with Thorin, I was quickly met with feelings of disgust, anxiety, depression and annoyance. I remember nights he would be kicking and stretching around in my belly and my skin would crawl! I hated it! If I ever did speak out about how I was feeling I was met with responses like; ‘Well it’s just because Kash is still so young, that’s a hard transition.’ or ‘It’s ok, I hated being pregnant too.’ or my favorite, ‘It’ll pass, it’s not like you actually don’t love him.’ But that’s just the thing, it didn’t pass, it was deeper than just hating pregnancy and I felt like I actually did not love him. I couldn’t connect with him nor did I want to. I remember having dreams at the beginning of my pregnancy about asking my doctor for the ‘A’ word and I was still having those dreams well into my third trimester! I kept telling my family, ‘This is it! I am NOT having anymore kids! This pregnancy sucks!’ I wanted to hide when people complimented me on my cute baby bump and I’d just roll my eyes in disgust.

Then came D-day, when the nurses placed him in my arms and I was still flying high on pure adrenaline my initial thought was, ‘When do they take him for tests or something? Surely they won’t leave him with me too long.’ Our stay in the hospital was less than enjoyable. I didn’t want to feed him, I dreaded when our visitors left and it was up to my husband or I to hold and love on the baby and I was longing for the day that we got to go home and I could just be with Kash. But going home was worse; I was left alone with this child I didn’t even want to bring home from the hospital! I remember times when I would feed him, change his diaper and then put him in his bassinet in my bedroom and continue to play with Kash. I couldn’t wait for my husband to get home and I could just pass him off and basically ignore him. I only took 3 weeks maternity leave because I was scared that I would only get worse and do something to hurt this tiny child that never asked to be brought into this.

At this point I truly realized how ridiculous and unnatural all these feelings were. I tried easing into the conversation with my loved ones and I would say things like, ‘I just can’t connect with him.’ ‘I just don’t feel like I love him like I do Kash.’ I would shake every time I tried to mention it because I had this irrational fear that I would get my kids taken away from me for being an ‘unfit’ mother. I was terrified of the judgment I would receive for not just being a good mom. I never mentioned anything to my doctors because I was ashamed of myself and I was worried they would just want to medicate me.

On June 2nd, 2017 I took Thorin to his well-child appointment and upon talking to his pediatrician, I was made aware that he was showing signs of a Sensory Processing Disorder and I was given a sheet of paper to use as a checklist. I used it at home to watch for the slightest signs of development to give my doctor and my family hope that he was just a late bloomer. He failed most of it and we were given a recommendation to seek early intervention therapy through AEA, Area Education Agency. This was my turning point. Sulking in my own problems and holding onto this idea that I will never love my son just had to go. There was no question about it; I needed to get myself better so I could help my son. I was first met with guilt that somehow my depression was a cause of his delay but then I was met with the mama bear mentality that I needed to be his biggest advocate, and while doing this I became my biggest advocate as well.

I spent countless hours researching through doTERRA apps on my phone, reading through books, searching blogs and links from doTERRA associated websites and talking to trusted sources around me. After several weeks of trial and error I found and put together a daily regimen to help me along the path of better health. I kept a strict schedule of morning, noon and night supplements and kept my emotional blends on hand 24/7, one of my favorites being Rose and Console. Along with my doTERRA products I found other forms of therapy that worked for me. I started practicing yoga, bought a ton of adult coloring books, studied Chakras, got in a habit of writing out what I was thankful for on a daily basis and talking. Talking out all my concerns, feelings and emotions that were holding me back. I allowed myself to feel happy. I cut out anything emotionally toxic and moved forward with the intentions of not only loving my son and building a relationship with him but loving myself again.

If you are currently struggling with ante partum or post partum depression, you are NOT alone! You ARE a good mom! And it doesn’t have to be this way! If you did fight your battle with ante partum or post partum depression, I love you and support you! Be your own advocate. If you think one of your loved ones is struggling with these feelings, hug them! Let them know you are there to support in anyway you can and do NOT let them go through it alone!

“Your life is like a book. Some chapters are sad, some are happy, and some are exciting. But if you never turn the page, you will never know what the next chapter holds.” Always continue to turn your page!

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